Resent Ablism? Here’s How I Forgive and Move On

A huge part of living with a disability  is enduring ablism. Yes, I said enduring because it  is something I   put up with on a regular basis. Sometimes it is very subtle like saying I don’t look disabled. Other times it is glaringly obvious like designing inaccessible websites or apps.

What is Ablism?

First, let’s define what ablism is and how it shows up. Ablism is believing people with disabilities have less value and worth. It is  discriminatory and thinking abled body people are superior. Ableism is grounded in the assumption disabled people require fixing  or healing and identifies people solely by their disability. It includes harmful stereotypes, misconceptions and generalizations of the disabled.

Examples of Ablism

Need an example or two? Here’s how it shows up in our daily lives from Healthline.

1. Assuming they want to be healed or can overcome a disability.
2. Suggesting they’re inspirational for handling everyday activities and routine tasks.
3. Assuming they lead an unhappy, limited life.
4. Assuming they can’t do things for themselves.
5. Using words like “normal” and “healthy” to describe non-disabled people.
6. Asking intrusive questions about someone’s disability.
7. Touching  or grabbing someone, or any equipment or devices they use, without permission.
8. Ignoring requests for accommodation or refusing to acknowledge someone’s disability.
9. Refusing to use requested terms, like “deaf person,” “neurodivergent,” or “wheelchair user.”
10. Using ableist language, especially after someone asks you to stop.

Forgiveness is Giving the Benefit of the Doubt

I forgive ablism by giving the benefit of the doubt. Most people have good intentions  and don’t mean harm. They are unaware  that their language or action is hurtful. However, good intentions, although coming from a kind  and caring place, include  an underlining superiority complex. Let me explain. The thought is I am better because I am not disabled. Therefore you must accept my help and listen to what I say. I know better.

I have  tolerated this kind of ablism more  than I can tell you. It is demeaning  and disrespectful. When this happens, I have to overly explain that I am   very capable of handling my affairs. Sometimes  divulging personal info, when in other situations it would not be necessary. I remember  some years ago a church usher  stopped me from  using the stairs inside the building. They thought it would be to dangerous  and I would fall. I had to explain  that was not true. I have stairs in a home I  have lived in for 20 years and never fallen. As I get older this  behavior rankles me even more. I am no longer a child  and as a grown  mature woman I do know what I am doing.

Forgiveness is Educating the Person

I try and educate the person. Letting them know I am fully capable. I try and watch my tone of voice and monitor my facial expressions and body language. My desire is to be friendly  with a conversational  tone. But I have to be honest, it doesn’t always work! It just depends  on the situation,  what the person is doing and how I  am feeling at the time.

It takes a lot of mental energy to be a disability educator. Having to explain this. Having to explain that. Prompting more questions  and longer conversation. Although 1 out of 4 people  in the United States is disabled, the average person has had little to no real experience interacting with us.

Now, there are times when I have to get more assertive. This happens when a person  gets physical. Since I use a white cane, people assume I don’t know where I am going or what I’m doing. I might be using a white cane technique  they assume  is dangerous  but they are just uninformed. Then the person comes over and stops me. They will either grab my arm or my cane. This just happened a week ago at the grocery store. A store employee  was giving me verbal directions to move down the sidewalk  to meet the bus. I was moving according to his instructions but he came over and started pulling my cane over to the right. I kindly told him to stop and not grab my cane. I need to use it for mobility. He let go and continue to give me verbal instructions.

Forgiveness is Hard

Since he responded positively, it was easy to forgive and move on. However, there are times when forgiveness was harder. It is those times when the person is unresponsive  and unwilling to take me seriously or ignore me.

Is any ableist behavior unforgivable? When it causes direct harm or puts me in danger. When the person  is cold and callous and doesn’t care even after correction. When it is done intentionally without remorse. Those are the times  I would  struggle with forgiveness. Fortunately, those times come few and far between.

I Choose to Forgive

Ablism is hard to forgive  because it happens so often. Like a dripping faucet, it is a constant aggravation. At the end of the day it is about self preservation. I am the one  who has to live with it and the constant denominator in the situation. I can be resentful, later leading to mental and physical distress. I can decide to let it consume me  or let it go. So, I choose to forgive, make peace and move forward. September 1 was National Forgiveness Day. How do you forgive  and move on? How do you deal with ablism?